Gay and Lesbian Support Group Expands with a Carroll County Chapter

By Dorothy Scanlan

Rutgers University freshman Tyler Clementi committed suicide by jumping off the George Washington Bridge.  Thirteen-year-old Asher Brown shot himself in the head.  Raymond Chase, a student at Johnson & Wales University, and fifteen-year-old Justin Aaberg both hung themselves.  These tragic events occurred last fall, within the space of just one month.  The thread that connected these young people was that they were all gay, and they had all been bullied.

This crisis was a call to action for Lynette Connelly, a professional therapist with the Family and Children’s Services of Central Maryland.  “As a parent of teens, and as a social worker and educator in our community, I felt compelled to act.  I could not sit back and do nothing in response to this crisis,” she said.  Connelly made a call to the pastor of St. Paul’s United Church of Christ, Marty Kuchma, who in turn connected her with a PFLAG member.  PFLAG is the national organization, “Parents, Families and Friends of Gays and Lesbians”.  Kuchma also gave Connelly a contact name of an advisor for a local high school’s Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) student group. 

Connelly had the opportunity to go to a GSA meeting to talk about the crisis.  “I wanted to reach out to the students to make sure they knew there was hope,” she said.  At the meeting, she told them about the “It Gets Better Project”, a series of videos which can be found on YouTube. 

“I told them how to identify if they or someone else was in serious danger of hurting themselves or killing themselves as a result of being tormented for their sexuality or even perceived sexuality… We discussed resources and where to get help,” Connelly said.  “The students asked a lot of questions about how to respond to homophobia.  They were open and willing to listen. For things to improve, the push has to come from student leaders.”

After the success of the high school meeting, Connelly and several others joined together to develop a steering committee to decide whether to create a chapter of PFLAG here in Westminster.  Their first meeting was in October.  “We looked at other organizations, but PFLAG speaks to everyone,” Connelly said.  And, thus, the Westminster-Carroll County PFLAG chapter was born.  The chapter’s first community meeting was held on February 20.

June Horner is one of the founding members of the steering committee for the Westminster-Carroll County PFLAG chapter.  She has three children; one son is gay.  “I discovered my son was gay in 1985 when I found a magazine in his room,” she said.  “My first reaction was that someone was trying to lure him into a subversive lifestyle.  All I could picture were men dressed in leather and feathers.”

She went to the library and checked out the single book they had on the topic.  However, the book was not much help.  “The author blamed smothering mothers and distant fathers,” she recalled.  After much confusion and soul-searching, she finally asked her son.  “I was worried I would lose him if I asked the question,” she said.  “There was a great silence about the issue in 1985, but even today I see some parents react in a similar manner.  They think something is wrong with their parenting.”

After hearing her son’s answer, she became an activist for the cause.  She marched in the Gay Pride Parade in Baltimore in 1985, and in that same year started the Baltimore PFLAG chapter which she headed for five years.  She then became involved with the PFLAG Columbia-Howard County chapter and remains on their steering committee today.  Horner’s son is a dentist and lives in Reisterstown with his partner of twenty-three years.

“I have made wonderful friends through the Howard County chapter.  They are your family and your support,” said Horner.  “To have a PFLAG chapter in the county where I live and where our 3 children were raised has been a dream of mine.  I can't begin to tell you how happy this makes me!  It’s so important to me to pass this along; I feel a responsibility.  People need to know that [being gay] is a natural part of the human condition.”

June met Judy Gaver through PFLAG Columbia-Howard County.  Judy, also on the Westminster PFLAG steering committee, is the parent of two sons, one of whom is gay.  Both she and her husband were born and raised in Carroll County as were her children.  Her son “came out” in college, about ten years ago.  While attending public school, “my son did experience some negativity and bullying for perceived differences,” said Judy.  “McDaniel College was a whole different atmosphere.  He felt like he could be himself.”  (Gaver’s son now lives in Baltimore and is a financial manager for a dental practice.)

Judy began attending meetings at PFLAG’s Howard County chapter.  “They were my salvation,” she said.  “They have become my family; they gave me support and courage.  I have lobbied in Annapolis and marched in parades, things I never thought I would have the courage to do.  I only knew the negative stereotypes.  I can’t say enough good things about PFLAG.”

Gaver still co-facilitates the Howard County chapter‘s Parents' Group and is a member of their Steering Committee. 

“What initially broke my heart has turned out to be the best thing that happened,” Gaver said.  “I tried to start a support group for parents in the past, but people would just come and go.  It gives me pleasure to now be able to give it forward.” 

“When parents find out their child is gay, there is a sadness that comes with the realization that your child is part of a misunderstood minority,” said Horner.  “We want to be their support.  The young people that know about the new chapter are very excited.  At the first meeting, we’ll introduce ‘old-timers’ who will share their stories.  We hope those who attend will share what they envision for the chapter.  Confidentiality will always be emphasized.”

“Many have done a lot of work to get this chapter going and coordinated,” said Connelly about their first community meeting.  “We want to make folks as comfortable as possible. You don’t need to speak or even say who you are at the meetings.  New parents will have the opportunity to meet privately, if they wish.  We certainly hope that students will come!”

For Horner, something that could have become a heartache instead became “a wonderful knock on the side of the head.”

 About PFLAG:
PFLAG is a national support group which provides advocacy and education.  The first formal meeting of PFLAG was in 1973, and by 1979 it had chapters nationwide.  Today, it has 200,000 members/supporters and over 500 chapters.  www.pflag.org

Westminster-Carroll County PFLAG:
The group will meet every third Sunday of the month from 5 pm to 6:30 pm at St. Paul’s United Church of Christ on the Corner of Green and Bond in Westminster.  There will be refreshments and support groups and other activities for parents, teens, families and friends of gays and lesbians of Carroll County.